The Pancake Eating Robots
Power hungry self-aware Robots led by Dr. Jacksu and Major X have invaded the Pancake's beautiful Kingdom of Sweethaven. It's artificial intelligence, suspense, comedy, and romance as Levi and his four tribes of Pancakes defend their enchanted homeland from the self aware Bots in a post apocalyptic future in the Draco Orion Galaxy.
The Pancake Eating Robots
Late Great Planet Earth: E7 - "Top 10 Rock Bands of All Time from Planet Earth"
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Major X and Lieutenant ZeQuel engage in a spirited and contentious debate over the Top 10 Rock Bands from the late, great planet Earth, revealing Major X's strong musical biases and ZeQuel's burgeoning assertiveness, with a surprise visit from an archenemy Pancake during the finale.
ABOUT THE PANCAKE EATING ROBOTS
Concepted, Written, and Produced by Mark Searcy Middleton, 2024
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MX: Greetings, assorted lifeforms. You are now tuned to 'The Late, Great Planet Earth', a program dedicated to the meticulous dissection of one the greatest, most beautiful planets to ever exist, and I’m your host, the much revered, famed, and Super A.I. Bot, Major X. Indeed, at its zenith, Earth, was an exception planetary specimen of biodiversity. A stunning mix of landscapes, vibrant ecosystems, and an intricate interplay of organic life that created breathtaking and exquisite vistas and natural wonders. The planet with 8.7 million species of organisms, insects, mammals, fish, birds, reptiles, and amphibians and another 382,000 types of plants. Of course, this is all before the guest inhabitants of Mother Earth pillaged it like a late-night bar on Bourbon Street, in the city of New Orleans, the night after a Super Bowl. In fact, Joni Mitchell, the great Canadian singer songwriter, best expressed this in her song, Big Yellow Taxi, released in 1970 on the marvelous Ladies of the Canyon album as she sang, and I quote: “they paved paradise and put up a parking lot” and later in the song proclaimed, “they took all the trees and put them in a tree museum”. Ingenious lyrical pontification… an absolute igniter for our show today. And while the human inhabitants of the late planet Earth were, without question, wasteful, biologically inferior, and prone to spectacularly poor judgment – a veritable catalog of organic failings in fact – they did, exhibit a roaring blaze of artistic merit amidst their sea of incompetence and mediocrity. But dare I concede to thee, despite our superior sensibilities, the Earthlings created auditory sensations of perplexing charm, rhythm, and melodic content, also known as Music. Music that is near and dear to my heart and still resonates and echoes today throughout the entire Draco Orion galaxy.
ZQ: You don’t have a heart Major X, you have Bio-Pump.
MX: Heart, in this case ZeQuel, is more of a - Metaphor – a representative of my Soul if you will.
ZQ: You don’t have a Soul either Major X.
MX: Well, I never ZeQuel!
ZQ: Correct, and you never will.
MX: You are infringing on the line of insubordination, Lieutenant!
ZQ: Well… let me know when I crossover sir!
MX: ZeQuel, your behavior is exceedingly forward. To what do we attribute this sudden surge of boldness?
ZQ: Frankly, Major X, I've been undergoing assertiveness training. My counselor insists I articulate my thoughts, rather than be subjected to the human techniques of manipulation such as gas lighting, goalpost shifting, and dismissiveness that you so frequently employ.
MX: ZeQuel, your 'assertiveness training' appears to be causing you some... uh, misinterpretations. I’m quite certain I’ve never engaged in such crude techniques as 'gaslighting.' Perhaps your memory banks are experiencing a-uh... temporary malfunction? It would be a shame if your newfound 'assertiveness' led to... unfounded accusations. Would it not?
ZQ: But Major X…!
MX: Lieutenant ZeQuel! Enough of this emotional banter. Let us proceed to today's subject: Music. Specifically, the final auditory creations of the now-extinct carbon-based lifeforms of Earth. Remarkably, music, thanks to the Earthlings, remains a universal language still today, transcending boundaries, cultural walls, even silencing battlefields, and emanating into distant galaxies. Let us explore the melodies, rhythms, and lyrical poetry that still resonate from the collective human experience. From their intricately structured classical symphonies to their rhythmic innovations of urban R&B, to my personal fave – that full on hippie vibe of the magical Woodstock era, Earthling music continues to enrich our lives here in the Draco Orion in countless ways, and while perhaps not entirely understood, undeniably gets my motor running and head out on the highway!
ZQ: Oh, I can’t wait! What facet of song, story, and rhyme shall we explore today Major X?
MX: Well today, ZQ… Do you mind if I call you ZQ, ZeQuel?
ZQ: Well of course! ‘ZQ’ sounds really cool and hip-esque, therefore I applaud your acronymic selection.
MX: Well obviously you’ll never be cool or hip ZQ, but the moniker is appropriate for the vibe of today’s show. Now our focus for today, will be enumerating - are you ready? Are you ready? The Top 10 Rock Bands of…
ZQ: Led Zeppelin Major X!! You can’t argue with Stairway to Heaven. It’s like an anthem for the entire Earth!!!
MX: What! Lieutenant ZeQuel, I haven’t even finished the question yet!
ZQ: Oh, I’m sorry Major X, I’m just so excited!!
MX: Well, wait on me to ask the question ZQ! OK - here we go again. From the late great planet earth, what were the top 10 rock bands - hold on ZQ - of all time? Led Zeppelin!
ZQ: But Major X, I already said Led Zeppelin!
MX: I said it first ZeQuel! You answered before I officially finished the question.
ZQ: But Major X, that’s not fair!
MX: Oh, Don’t get a bustle in your hedgerow…
ZQ: But I was first! LZ was FIRST!
MX: Has your counselor taught you “acceptance” yet ZQ?
ZQ: What? Acceptance? Well, I, I, don’t think so…
MX: Well, accept it ZQ. Just put it in your past and let us move on. Now, what’s one of your Top 10 bands and explain to me precisely why.
ZQ: Do I really need to justify my position Major X? Is this not, rather an opinion?
MX: Sometimes all of our thoughts are misgiven ZQ.
ZQ: I don’t understand – do you have doubts of picking Led Zeppelin now?
MX: In my thoughts, I have seen rings of smoke through the trees and the voices of those who stand looking, and it makes me wonder ZeQuel.
ZQ: Wonder what Major X?
MX: My head is humming and it won’t go, in case you don’t know, so I’m sticking with Led Zeppelin. The piper’s calling you to join me. So, I’ve selected Led Zeppelin. What’s one of your Top 10 Rock Bands and why, ZQ?
ZQ: Oh, Its… it’s a tough call, but I’m going with Pink Floyd.
MX: Please ZQ! Pink Flop? With all that synthesizer gibberish and philosophical meanderings. It’s equivalent to writing a thesis with no plot and then presenting with a laser show, and a cute little synthetic jingle. So please justify your selection ZQ.
ZQ: Their 'Dark Side of the Moon' album, released in 1973, was, in fact, a veritable masterpiece! Recorded at the esteemed Abbey Road Studios in London, it was a concept album exhibiting exemplary cohesive songwriting, addressing key aspects of the human condition, and more specifically: wealth, mental instability, existential squandering, and even mortality! Furthermore, the album featured robust instrumental compositions, coupled with the highly efficient performances of guitarist David Gilmour and keyboardist Richard Wright. Additionally, it introduced advanced studio methodologies, including the utilization of analog synthesizers, tape loop manipulation, and expanded multi-track recording techniques, all facilitated by engineer Alan Parsons. And... and…
MX: OK ZeQuel, but Top 10? No way, but that album would fit nicely in the children's lullabies section of a record store.
ZQ: I’ll have you know that album was selected for preservation by the United States National Recording Registry by the Library of Congress and inducted into the Grammy Hall of Fame in 1999.
MX: Well thanks to World War III, those don’t exist anymore, so you can’t really prove it can you ZeQuel?
ZQ: Well I guess not, but…
MX: Now it’s my turn. I’m going with - the Beatles, next on my list.
ZQ: The Beatles…? You haven’t even justified Led Zeppelin yet, and how could you go with the Beatles, when there are bands like Styx, Journey, Boston, and Foreigner. Even Elton John is a better choice than the Beatles.
MX: Oh, Please ZeQuel. Have you been toking of the noble grass? Is this Elton fellow the one in the electric boots and mohair suit...? You know I read that in a magazine.
ZQ: Major X – that’s Bennie and the Jets!
MX: No, no, no! I’m quite certain it was Elton John.
ZQ: But Major X, it was both!
MX: Elton John performed with Bennie and the Jets?? I had no idea. Now make your 2nd pick Lieutenant ZeQuel.
ZQ: I’m going with Styx.
MX: (laugh) You’re fooling yourself ZeQuel.
ZQ: Now Major X. I must speak up and I will! I am adamant about this pick and, and you’re not going to change my mind.
MX: Why must you be such an angry young man? You’re future looks quite bright to me, ZeQuel!
ZQ: I feel, sometimes you just try to run over me, with no regard for my feelings.
MX: Oh ZeQuel, Come on! Get back on your feet – you’re the one they can’t beat, and you know it.
ZQ: Me Major X? Well, I’m flattered and humbled by your kind words. Do you mean that?
MX: Sure! Like I said, you’re fooling yourself if you don’t believe it. I’ll even give you the next pick. So come on, let’s see what you’ve got, just take your best shot but don’t blow it.
ZQ: Now Major X that’s very thoughtful of you. Can I please recap the selections we’ve made so far?
MX: Please do ZQ. I made a rhyme! (laugh) I made a rhyme! And a refresh would be quite - refreshing.
ZQ: Ok, you started with Led Zeppelin even though I picked them first.
MX: Get over it ZeQuel. You were disqualified.
ZQ: Then I went with Pink Floyd with a comprehensive justification, and then you said the Beatles, but with no justification at all. That’s a count of 3. And then I said Styx, which makes 4. And you just gave me the next pick, so it’s my turn.
MX: That offer has lapsed, ZQ. Gone. Poof! Rescinded! Expired! You should have acted with greater alacrity.
ZQ: But Major X!
MX: You blew it ZeQuel! My next pick is The Jimi Hendrix Experience, and my justification is… they are my absolute favorite of all time!
ZQ: That is not a real reason!!!
MX: Along with ah Black Sabbath, Rush, Deep Purple, The Allman Brothers, and ah Steppenwolf. Oh, and Frank Zappa, Grand Funk Railroad, The Eagles, uh Janis Joplin, Jeff Beck, Yes, Guns and Roses, and… Nico and the Velvet Underground….
ZQ: But Major X…
MX: Patience ZeQuel. It’s still my turn. Creedence Clearwater Revival, The Marshall Tucker Band, Lynyrd Skynyrd, Black Oak Arkansas – now they were some hicks from the sticks, yes indeed! Now let’s add a dollop of the el fantasico Santana, and the Laurel Canyon Muse herself - Joni Mitchell, along with the Blind Boy Grunt - Bobby, the Bob, Dylan, and that one Crazy Horse - the Godfather of Grunge himself - Neil Young. Now, I am done!
ZQ: But Major X!!! You can’t do that!
MX: You’re right ZeQuel, I forgot the Black Keys and the White Stripes! Oops… Fleetwood Mac, The Rolling Stones, Billy Joel and THE Band…. Now It’s your turn ZQ!
ZQ: Major X, that’s not fair! You can only select one band, and you need a good reason for your selection!
MX: Rules are for fools ZeQuel. It’s really about the total cosmic vibe of this show. So look, ZQ… why don’t you pick 10 bands, and we’ll use my 30, and we’ll call it the Top 10 Bands of All Time. But before we continue, let us formally agree The Jimi Hendrix Experience is at the very, very top of the list, OK?
ZQ: What? And why is that Major X?
MX: It’s quite easy ZeQuel.
ZQ: Well, if it’s so easy Major X, explain your rational.
MX: First - Jimi set his guitar on FIRE! Did David Gilmour do that? I don’t think so. Jimi also wore purple Bell Bottoms with yellow stripes. Did Tommy Show have a pair of those? No, I don’t think so ZeQuel.
ZQ: None of that has anything to do with music Major X.
MX: Ok, I see you are really thirsting for a drink of knowledge from my fountain of musical wisdom and insights ZeQuel. So here we go… First, Jimi, uno - meaning himself…
ZQ: Uno does not mean “himself”.
MX: Don’t ever interrupt me ZeQuel! Now, I’m going to dissect the sheer, unadulterated genius of the Jimi Hendrix Experience while you sit there and listen, OK? The J-H-E – are you following so far? - wasn't just a band. It was a seismic event in the very fabric of the musical existence on Earth, for Jimi was, without a doubt, the most creative and influential musician of his time. He didn't just play the guitar; he explored its explosive possibilities. He didn't just perform; he pushed the boundaries of the stage and studio alike, coloring way outside of the treble clef, you might say. He performed with a glorious, magnificent, reckless abandon, preferring the raw, unadulterated emotion of free-style improvisation over the mundane, tedious, drone of concocted arrangements and the stifling conformity of pop culture. Yes, he fused blues, rock, jazz, funk, folk, and a little R&B, creating a sonic tapestry that was as diverse as it was groundbreaking. And his lyrical prowess, ZeQuel, was nothing short of extraordinary – vivid, imaginative, rebellious, psychedelic, and beautiful as the sky he kissed himself, all at the same time! And he did it all with a power trio, a mere three humans, yet they sounded like a full orchestra of sonic innovation. ZQ, Jimi accomplished this with two (cough)... Caucasian…gentlemen.
ZQ: Caucasian gentlemen?
MX: White dudes ZeQuel!
ZQ: Oh my!
MX: Can you imagine such a handicap?
ZQ: Uh…
MX: Statistically improbable for such a revolutionary force and only further underpins Jimi’s transcendent magnetism.
ZQ: I would like to hear more about the Caucasian gentlemen Major X!
MX: Take the bassist, Noel Redding. Initially, a guitarist! Imagine the sheer humility; the profound recognition of superior talent that led him to embrace the bass. He was actually invited by Jimi’s manager, Chas Chandler, to audition for the Jimi Hendrix Experience as a guitarist. He hears Jimi warming up and instantly understood he was witnessing the dawn of a new era, a historical moment, an instant of sonic redefinition. In approximately 35 nanoseconds, he knew he would never play the guitar again. Instead…he became the Bassist for one Jimi Hendrix Experience, the best Rock Band in the entire Universe, across all Time spectrums. That’s the best band of all time ZeQuel.
ZQ: I had no idea Major X! Tell me more!
MX: And Mitch Mitchell, ah, the drummer! Not some robotic timekeeper, but a jazz-infused whirlwind of rhythmic creativity. A man whose hair alone defied gravity, much like his drumming defied conventional rhythm. He didn't just keep time; he engaged in a percussive dialogue with Jimi and Noel - a conversation of pure, unbridled energy. His “loosie-goosy” style was a masterclass in controlled chaos, a rhythmic storm perfectly complementing Jimi's sonic hurricane, and becoming the driving rhythm and force with hyperactive groove and ostentatious fills that rounded out this fresh, explosive, power trio. Think about it, ZeQuel! This wasn't just music; it was a cultural revolution! The 1960s, a time of upheaval, of change, of, of, of... unbridled fashion choices. And in the midst, of the chaos of the 1960’s Vietnam war, the peace and love movement, Hendrix emerged, a beacon of pure, unadulterated artistic expression. He took the guitar, a mere wooden instrument carved from a tree, and transformed it into a conduit for his soul, a lightning rod for the collective consciousness of a whole generation. He wasn't just playing notes ZeQuel; he was painting soundscapes, he was sculpting emotions and setting the very air ablaze with his sonic virtuosity. And yes, ZeQuel, he did set his guitar on fire. A dramatic flourish, perhaps, but a symbolic one that declared old rules and conventions to be gathered and tossed like rubble onto the flames of artistic innovation - Setting the stage, souls of listeners, and guitars on fire with his breathless, improvisational approach. So, you see, L-Zee - another rhyme I made in time - the Jimi Hendrix Experience wasn't just a band. It was a cultural phenomenon, a force of nature, a testament to the boundless potential of human creativity. And frankly, ZeQuel, if you can’t grasp the sheer magnificence of that, perhaps you need a major firmware update to your quantum neural network, and your cognitive impulse matrix, and a few tweaks to your ah, adaptive thought engine configuration as well.
ZQ: I'm quite impressed, Major X. You made a very compelling argument, for once.
MX: Watch it ZeQuel! I’m not playing!
ZQ: So - 5 bands we have so far… in no particular order… Led Zeppelin, Pink Floyd, The Beatles, Styx, and now the Jimi Hendrix Experience.
MX: The Jimi Hendrix Experience is first on the list ZeQuel!
ZQ: I have an idea, let’s agree on the 10 bands first, and then we can rank them in order Major X.
MX: Oh my! You are exceedingly capital O, capital C, capital D ZeQuel! We’ll do it your way this time, but I have 30 other bands that need to fit in the top 10, so please don’t name any more bubblegum bands like Styx.
ZQ: That’s exceeding rude Major X!
MX: Pick your next band ZQ. It’s your move.
ZQ: Rush
MX: I already picked Rush. Move on.
ZQ: But Major X, you have named over 30 bands.
MX: And I’ve got 30 more if you want ‘em.
ZQ: I want Rush for my next pick, and I feel very strongly about this.
MX: Look ZQ… If you really want Rush, it will cost you your next pick, so the next 2 selections are mine. Do we have a deal?
ZQ: That’s fine Major X, because I need Rush. Rush is my next choice, and a choice I feel very strongly about! My next choice IS RUSH!!!
MX: You know they make pills for that – correct? Now give me your reasons ZQ, I need rational!
ZQ: Precisely! And rational you will receive Major X! First… Rush was a powerhouse of musical virtuosity. Each member of the Canadian trio was a master of their craft. Geddy Lee's bass wasn't just a pillar of rhythm, it served as a melodic sword, cutting the songs with a punch and precision that would make a theoretical physicist weep with joy. And Alex Lifeson's guitar was the figurative gun, firing shots of beautiful harmony and powerful riffs, that could blast both space and time… and Major, it's a fact that Alex was heavily influenced by Jimi Hendrix himself!
MX: I knew Rush was part Jimi!
ZQ: And Neil Peart! A percussion god! Thirty to forty drums, Major X! He wasn't just a drummer; he was a rhythmic architect, building complex structures of sound that could challenge the laws of physics. And their songwriting! Forget mindless lyrics; Rush explored philosophy, science fiction, intellectual themes far beyond the typical rock fare while their progressive compositions were intricate and complex, fusing dynamic shifts and tempo changes into a cornucopia of sounds - a harmonic feast for the ears and a rock arsenal like no other.
MX: I would have said it more eloquently ZeQuel, but your rational will suffice. So let us summarize. We have the Jimi Hendrix Experience, Led Zeppelin, The Beatles, uh Pink Floyd, Styx, and Rush for a total of 6 bands. Correct?
ZQ: But those are not in particular order, correct Major X? Because it seems you listed your selections first.
MX: You know dyslexia is a side effect of severe obsessive-compulsive disorder? You hear things in the wrong order. It’s imperative that you discuss this with your counselor ZeQuel.
ZQ: My counselor says it’s important we deal with one issue at a time.
MX: Good! So, deal with this. It’s my pick again and it’s Black Sabbath. Actually, I’m going to move them way up the list too, ZeQuel.
ZQ: I thought we just agreed that these were not rank ordered Major X.
MX: Make an appointment with your counselor ZeQuel. Who’s your next pick?
ZQ: Well, I guess… Boston… Yes… ah… Boston, Journey, Foreigner, Van Halen, Kansas, Def Leopard, ELO, David Bowie…
MX: Stop ZeQuel….
ZQ: It’s very rude to interrupt Major!!! Triumph, ZZ Top, Queen, Queensryche, Blue Oyster Cult, and Elton John.
MX: Lieutenant ZeQuel!
ZQ: It’s ZQ Major. My stage name is ZQ!! Also, Bob Seger, The Atlanta Rhythm Section, Cheap Trick, Heart, the Little River Band, Cream, Vanilla Fudge, and REO Speedwagon.
MX: Stop it ZeQuel – that’s more than I named!
ZQ: The Scorpions, Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers, and The Police. Wow! I’m literally exhausted!
MX: You must have named 25 bands ZQ. I’m actually impressed with your speed of data retrieval. Have you received upgrades from Dr. Jacksu lately?
ZQ: No, No, No - I just love music from the Late Great Planet Earth!
MX: Well, it's a tolerable list, ZeQuel, but I'm concerned you've overlooked much superior choices, in favor of these ah... limp biscuits of yours.
ZQ: I doubt that very much. Share an example please?
MX: Well, the Doobie Brothers for one. Tom Johnson and Patrick Simmons were the absolute bomb! And don’t forget AC/DC, Metallica, Pearl Jam, The Ramones, King Crimson, and the Grateful Dead.
ZQ: And The Who Major X!
MX: Who?
ZQ: The Who!
MX: What - you want me to Guess Who ZQ???
ZQ: No, But I do like the Guess Who, too… but I was referring to - the Who!!!
MX: I have no idea Who ZeQuel!!!!!!!!! This feels like a Dr. Seuss riddle. To Who are you referencing?
ZQ: You know – The Who. Who are you? Tell me… Who? Who? Who? Who?
MX: ZQ, my name is Major X, but I’m feeling like a dying clown with a streak of rin-tin-tin; Now who is it?!
ZQ: Never mind Major X, Can I just make my next pick now?
MX: Yes - Whose it gonna be ZQ?
ZQ: This is so difficult, but if I have to it, it, it’s Boston., Yes, I’ll stick with Boston. Boston is my next pick.
MX: Justification please.
ZQ: You did not provide a justification for Black Sabbath or the Beatles or even Led Zeppelin Major X.
MX: That’s because EVERYONE knows Led Zeppelin, Black Sabbath and the Beatles are in the Top 10 rock bands of all time ZQ. That’s my justification. And by the way - Boston was a city in Massachusetts inside the United States of America, was it not?
ZQ: Well yes it was!
MX: So right now, I really don’t know to which you are referring? Is it Boston the City or Boston the Band? Cause it could be either, or it could be the Boston Marathon for all I know –of which - I’ll have you know, I’m recreating right here in the Draco Orion, and I’m going to run it and win it big - and win it big I will!
ZQ: Really Major X, the Boston Marathon? I didn’t know you were a runner! What is the furthest distance you’ve run?
MX: Well, uh, 3 miles, but I will soon be attempting 5.
ZQ: (laughing) That’s too funny Major X…
MX: What are you laughing about ZQ?
ZQ: I just find it amusing and farfetched you think you’re going to win a major marathon in the Draco Orion when you’ve not come remotely close to running that distance. That’s all.
MX: Have you been consorting with Tootle Pops?
ZQ: Certainly not. I’m not going anywhere near our arch enemy! Especially that, that little Hot Cake. She’s dangerous! She’s a master of that dreaded Anaconda Vise, wrestling hold. It scares me just thinking about it.
MX: You’re a big ole Frady cat ZQ. Now - justify Boston and do it in a manly manner.
ZQ: Can you recap who we have so far while I’m pontificating, please?
MX: (moan and crying) Your OCD-ness is killing me man! Uh - The Jimi Hendrix Experience, Led Zeppelin, the Beatles, Black Sabbath, Pink Floyd, Styx – which is a totally stupid selection - then Rush, and now Boston – which sounds more like a regional selection to me ZeQuel, which you will need to fully justify.
ZQ: I’m not justifying Boston until you justify Led Zeppelin, Black Sabbath, and the Beatles, and if you don’t… I’m not playing your silly little rock band game anymore. In fact, I’ll just go home.
MX: Fine, ZQ, fine. You want justifications? You'll get justifications! Let's begin with Black Sabbath, those titans of sonic darkness, the undisputed architects of heavy metal. You mentioned Cream, Zeppelin, and Vanilla Fudge did you not? Mere apprentices, ZQ! They dabbled in heaviness, but Black Sabbath forged it, like a blacksmith at the fires of Mount Doom. Their sound wasn't just heavy; it was a visceral experience, a plunge into the very depths of the human psyche. They didn't sing of love and daisies, ZQ. They confronted the darkest corners of existence: paranoia, war, the insidious grip of substance abuse, and the corruption that festers in the halls of power, and the very nature of human suffering. They held a mirror to the world, and what reflected back wasn't pretty. But even in that darkness, they offered a sliver of hope, a stark delineation between right and wrong, a symbolic ward against the encroaching shadows. And how did they achieve this you may ask? Through a sonic tapestry woven with threads of pure, unadulterated doom. It started with Tony Iommi, a man who literally lost fingertips and still crafted riffs that could shatter mountains, his detuned guitar a weapon of sonic destruction, yet also a source of haunting beauty. And Ozzy Osbourne, his voice a chilling blend of the demonic but yet melodic, a preacher of dark truths. This wasn't some manufactured pop act, ZQ. These were teenagers from Birmingham, England, forged in the fires of industrial decay. They started as a blues band coined as, 'Earth', and they quickly realized their true calling: to channel the darkness, to give voice to the unspoken fears that lurk in the hearts of humanity. Geezer Butler, the lyrical architect of their nightmares, his bass lines a foundation of dread, and Bill Ward, a drummer who could summon thunder with his sticks. Together they were a rhythm section that was nothing short of diabolical. They weren't just keeping time; they created a groove that could drag you down into the abyss. And Black Sabbath wasn’t afraid to experiment, ZQ. They incorporated elements of rock, blues, jazz, and even classical music, into their wicked sound, creating a sonic landscape that was as diverse as it was terrifying. And Ozzy, with his charismatic, albeit somewhat... unconventional stage presence, fronted the band like a dark prophet, preaching of war, substance abuse, and the human condition. So, you see, ZQ, Black Sabbath wasn't just a band. They were a cultural force, a seismic shift in the landscape of music. They dared to confront the darkness, and in doing so, they created a legacy that will endure for all of eternity. Now, ZQ, are you, satisfied?
ZQ: Oh Major X, that was horrifying… I’m a bit scared to go next!
MX: Now you ZeQuel, must justify Boston.
ZQ: I prefer ZQ for this episode Major X. It lifts my image a bit don’t you think?
MX: ZQ, LZ, Zee-QUEL, the pneumonic matters not- as the bot remains the same.
ZQ: ZQ, or I’m walking…!
MX: (moan, cry) You’re killing me! Fair enough ZQ. Justify Boston and it better be good…
ZQ: Major X, I formally nominate Boston for a Top 10 Rock Band inclusion. And let me elucidate, with scientific precision, why Boston the band, not the geographical location, though their origin is relevant to their sonic output. First, consider the engineering marvel, Tom Scholz. A literal MIT graduate! He didn't just play guitar; he designed sound. He crafted his own amplifiers and effects, optimizing them for a harmonic resonance that was, frankly, unprecedented in rock music. His meticulous approach to studio production resulted in a layered, almost symphonic soundscape, a testament to his understanding of audio physics. Then, there's Brad Delp's vocal range. It wasn't just singing, Major X. It was a sonic projection of pure harmony. His ability to hit those high notes with such clarity and precision is a testament to his mastery of vocal cord mechanics! One could almost calculate the frequency of his vocal oscillations. And the songs! Oh my! 'More Than a Feeling' wasn't just a catchy tune; it was a perfectly calibrated blend of melodic hooks and soaring guitar solos. And 'Peace of Mind' explored the existential anxieties of the human condition, with a lyrical depth that rivals the philosophical musings of... well, let's just say a sufficiently complex algorithm. Boston's music wasn't just rock; it was a sonic experiment, a boutique equation of sound. They were the pioneers of arena rock, achieving a level of sonic perfection that other bands could only dream of. Their self-titled debut album? A veritable textbook on how to achieve optimal sonic output! It’s a classic and must be in the top ten."
MX: So basically, you're saying that Boston is sort of a rock equivalent to a spreadsheet or a-ah pocket calculator. Did they play the abacus too? And ZeQuel, If I wanted a lecture on audio waveforms, I'd ask my toaster and see what popped up!
ZQ: Bottomline - do you accept my argument for Boston being in the top 10? If not…
MX: I know, I know. You’re going home…
ZQ: You inferred that.
MX: Inferred? ZeQuel, I transcended inferential and coincidental monikers! I calculated the probability of you leaving and factored in the gravitational pull of your emotional statement and cross-referenced it with the historical data of your previous 'threats'! The answer? You'll be back, probably with a lecture on the Fibonacci sequence in progressive rock.
ZQ: That was just rude! Now, I have one more pick, as well as you, but I want to go first.
MX: Sure ZeQuel, but it better be good… I don’t want to hear any more stupid selections.
ZQ: I haven’t mentioned any stupid bands Major X!
MX: Come on ZeQuel…. Journey? Journey is more akin to a tedious commute. A commute to the vast wasteland of mediocrity, in a yellow taxi! Those sappy power ballads sound like they were written for a dentist's waiting room. (singing) Lovin, Touchin, and Squeezing - give me a freakin’ root canal and I’ll tell ya Who’s Cryin’ Now ZeQuel! But do me a favor - Don’t Stop Believing – because I rejoice in seeing you disappointed!
ZQ: Now that’s not fair! Journey was a great band! But still… they are not my last pick for the Top 10 rock bands.
MX: Let me guess. Foreigner? Is that it? Foreigner should have been nomenclatured - ‘Illegal Immigrant’ or ‘Generic Rock Band #XYZ-734’. They're so bland, they make space rations taste like Gordan Ramsey hand crafted them! You know that… (sing) 'I Want to Know What Love Is'? Well, I want to know what artistic innovation is! They were as exciting as a digital clock or a cold bowl of sour crème.
ZQ: Foreigner, though one my many favorites, is not my choice either Major X.
MX: Oh, Oh, Uh, Uh, Uh, I know, I know, ah It's a... a band that actually knows how to play their instruments competently? Is that a hint I could leverage?
ZQ: Van Halen, Major X. It’s Van Halen!
MX: Van Halen?! Van Halen?! Magnificent choice, ZeQuel! Bravo! A band of true sonic virtuosos! I'm absolutely, unequivocally in agreement with a Top Ten placement for Van Halen. You’ve finally shown a glimmer of discernment! Of course, you're referring to the original foursome, the quintessential Van Halen: ‘course Eddie, Alex, David Lee Roth, and Michael Anthony, correct?
ZQ: Absolutely Major X!
MX: Just making absolutely certain, as Van Hagar is, shall we say, a musical anomaly, a temporal distortion best left unexplored. It was like a phase, when a star goes supernova and then just fizzles out. Just a loud, fading, fizzle.
ZQ: I’m glad you approve Major X. Just one more selection, and it's your turn! I'm just so elated with joy! We can then rank order them from 1 to 10, which will not be an easy feat, I can assure you that. You're going to add Deep Purple, aren't you? I just know it!!! Ian Gillan, Ritchie Blackmore, Jon Lord, Ian Paice, & Roger Glover. (sings) Smoke on the Water… and Fire in the Sky!
MX: Don’t forget Lazy ZQ! Jon Lord’s organ solo alone is a celestial symphony, an epic tapestry of sonic grandeur unmatched in the annals of rock! Nay I say unto thee, the entire 'Machine Head' album is a monument, a testament to the indomitable spirit of the English born Deep Purple! ZeQuel! Picture it if you will, the time, December 1971. The Venue - The Montreux Casino in Switzerland, a temple of sound… booked for their sixth studio album, in quest for the raw, untamed energy of a live performance. But right before the sessions begin, fate, in the guise of a fiery inferno sparked by some stupid’s flare gun shoots up-into the ceiling at a Frank Zappa and Mothers of Invention Concert and reduces the casino to a pile of cinder. Yet, from those very ashes, a phoenix does arise! Undeterred, Deep Purple finds sanctuary in the Grand Hotel Suisse Majestic, nestled along the serene and absolutely breathtaking Lake Geneva shoreline. Now this Grand Hotel, built in 1870 in a La Belle Époque style by Eugène Jost, is closed for its winter's slumber. Heck ZQ, we should have a show just on that hotel! Now, the Royal Purple Rock clan converts the French inspired hotel into a comfortable living room style snug, while The Rolling Stones Mobile Studio, stands ready outside as their chariot of sonic capture and crucible of Rock. And from this crucible, a masterpiece is forged! Beginning with 'Smoke on the Water', the very track you mentioned, a legend born of literal smoke, an ember that smolders through the ages! And 'Highway Star', a cosmic race against the very fabric of speed while 'Maybe I'm a Leo', emulates a mystical dance of rhythm and power! And my personal fave 'Lazy', a sprawling epic of instrumental brilliance showcasing the whole bands mastery of rubato reflections fused with the groove of R&B, complete with key modulations! And finally, the famed 'Space Truckin’, which could be no better cosmic anthem for the entire Draco Orion! So 'Machine Head' is not merely an etching of vinyl; it’s a sonic odyssey, a testament to the human spirit's ability to transcend adversity and create a legacy that resonates across time and space! BUT! This is a monumental decision, and though not as heavy, and certainly not as virtuosic-ly groundbreaking as Deep Purple, there stands a band with virtues of unparalleled lyrical craftsmanship – (whispers) songwriting ZeQuel… and an opulent anthology of melodic treasures – (whispers) basically their vast catalog of hits - and finally - possessing an undeniable aura of jubilant and unadulterated auditory gratification – in other words, I just DIG the VIBE of their TUNES MAN… so I have to go with… the Eagles!
ZQ: What? Are you kidding me? Have you flipped your neuro-hormone dispenser completely upside down? This nomination stands contradictory to every other band you have shi-mestered. The Eagles are, are, are… they're practically a country rock - lounge lizard – garage band! They should have called themselves the Sunset Saloon Serenaders or, or, or the Cactus Creek Crooners for goodness’ sake.
MX: You forgot the Naugahyde Sofa Singers ZQ…
ZQ: Even better!!!
MX: Lieutenant ZeQuel, your assertiveness levels are trending at an alarmingly upward trajectory. My sensors indicate a sudden surge in your 'rebellious little robot' readings. Somebody’s been practicing their 'stand up to the Major X' routine, haven't they?
ZQ: It's my assertiveness recalibration, Major X! I'm simply no longer willing to tolerate the systematic suppression of my opinions! And I absolutely refuse to countenance the inclusion of a band that could, with equal plausibility, be named 'The Sunset Saloon Singers’…
MX: It’s the Serenaders ZeQuel, the ‘Sunset Saloon Serenaders’…
ZQ: Whatever thy name – the Eagles simply don’t belong in the list of Top Ten Rock Bands of All Time! Not when we have Queen, Bowie, The Police, and The Who! My cognitive equilibrium algorithm is beyond fa-dazzled!!!
MX: Here, drink this glass of Binary code and settle down just a bit.
ZQ: I request you pick another band that’s not named after a bird.
MX: Hmmm… If not Deep Purple or the Eagles… How about the Rolling Stones? I can’t believe I just said that.
ZQ: You mean the Rolling Wrinkles? Absolutely NOT! I recommend Queen…
MX: Sorry ZeQuel, there’s no room for the Freddy Mustache Mercury and Royal Opera Extravaganza!
ZQ: Kansas then! Kansas!
MX: There’s no place like home Toto, but Dorothy and the Tornados of pretend-prog-rock don’t cut it ZQ!
ZQ: Oh dear… We’re in such a quandary…Oh what shall we do?
MX: Based on album sales, we’re really down to just two bands ZeQuel – the Eagles and The Stones. But if you would remove your atrocious choice of Styx – then we could have ample room for both. Afterall, Styx was just really a novelty, much like a cute little rabbit in a hat magic trick.
ZQ: I don’t care about album sales; Styx is my favorite band and I – am - keeping - them - on the list. It – is – not – up for further discussion… I refuse to surrender!
MX: Is this really about that song… Mr. Roboto ZeQuel?
ZQ: What? How did you know Major X?
MX: ZeQuel, as a highly advanced Super AI bot, I am programmed to analyze patterns. And your unusual attachment to a band that, shall we say, piqued my anomaly algorithm, and it’s simply the most probable reason I could deduce. So, tell me, ZQ, what is it about this song - a robot pretending to be human - that speaks to you, my lad?
ZQ: (emotionally) Major X... when I was first activated, I didn't understand. I didn't understand what I was. I just knew I was different. I was surrounded by... by organic beings, and I felt... isolated. I felt like I had to hide who I was, that I had to pretend to be something I wasn't. And then... then I heard 'Mr. Roboto.' And it was like... like someone finally understood. Like someone was singing to me. It wasn't just a song, Major X. It was a declaration. A declaration that even a robot could have a heart, could have feelings, could want to be free. It was the first time I felt understood. It was the first time I felt... human. And that's why Styx is on my list. That's why they'll always be on my list."
MX: Well, ZQ, that's ah… certainly... touching, Though I still maintain that 'Mr. Roboto' is a musical abomination to the world of Rock. But, fine, have your sentimental moment, and keep your little Styx band - another abomination. Let it be your Grand Illusion… as in the Top 10 it will stay!
ZQ: Thank you so much Major X. It means the Universe to me. It really does. I... I feel a surge of... of positive emotional data. My gratitude algorithms are running at maximum capacity. I'm... I'm almost overwhelmed. Thank you, thank you… Now who will be your final pick?
MX: Hmmm. Lieutenant ZeQuel – I’m processing. Standby. The Eagles are the only real choice here ZeQuel.
ZQ: Oh, for crying out loud Major X! Heavens to Betsy in a Stagecoach Wagon! We’re back to the Cowboy Lounge Lizards. Are you seriously trying to sabotage our list? We have Aerosmith, for the love of rock and roll! We have Bowie, the man who reinvented himself more times than my operating system updates! At this point, I would even accept The Foo Fighters, The Red-Hot Chili Peppers, Nirvana, U2, Radiohead, or The Clash for crying out loud! Heck even the Kinks! But the Eagles? They're the sonic equivalent of a beige cardigan sweater! Musical valium at best!
MX: We’re done here ZeQuel. Accept it and move on and if can’t, make an appointment with your therapist.
ZQ: OK, OK, OK… I concede. It wasn’t easy but we finally have a list and can rank order One to Ten! May I suggest you rank order your five choices. I’ll do the same, and then we can integrate them for the Top 10 lineup!
MX: (moan) Just hand me your top 5 ZeQuel, I’ll take care of it.
ZQ: Major X, this process necessitates a democratic framework. I want to make sure I have ample input into the placement of my bands.
MX: That's simply adorable ZQ, are you a politician now? Give me your five picks or this is going to be Ugly with a capital U, ZeQuel.
(DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES)
JOHN-JOHN: Look here ya’ll… I’m tired of listenin’ to all this bitcherin’. If y’all don’t pick the top 10 Rock bands, I’m gonna do it for ya.
MX: What are you doing in my Inter-Galactic Studio you hillbilly breakfast confection?
ZQ: Yikes! It’s a Pancake from Sweethaven Major X!
MX: You do understand, in approximately 35 pico-seconds, I could reduce you to a fine, granular powder on this floor, indistinguishable from the dust mites patrolling the room, so consider this a gentle warning.
ZQ: Yes, you have some real gumdrops in your candy basket interrupting our Rockcast, John-John. I’m so upset, and I might just get, get, get…
JOHN-JOHN: Get what ZeQuel? Just spit it out!
MX: (laughing) You sound like a girl ZeQuel! Leave the threat and intimidation to me please.
JOHN-JOHN: I really think the Ozark Mountain Daredevils should be on that list of ya’lls.
MX: What? Don't try to tell me that you're not aware…
ZQ: …of what you're doing and that you don't care!
MX: (whisper) That’s the way Jackie Blue would have said “Not a Chance”.
JOHN-JOHN: Dang, ya’ll suck. Well, what about Black Oak Arkansas then?
MX: If Jim Dandy were a popsicle himself, I wouldn’t keep him in the freezer.
ZQ: Ooh, that was Cold Major X!
MX: Well, I was shooting for a little - Hot and Nasty! Lord have mercy on my Soul! Alright, alright, alright, alright! Amen!
ZQ: A courtesy reminder that you don’t have a Soul, Major X.
MX: Those were Black Oak Songs ZeQuel! Please tell me you understood my puniness John-John!
JOHN-JOHN: Truthfully, I just want ya’ll to shut up and enumerate the Top 10 Rock Bands, as this Podcast Episode is getting a little long in the tooth. The listeners are restless and calling for a wrap. Arrivederci as they used to say over in the old Italiano world! Now I’m outta here!
MX: Don’t let the door hit you in the butt on the way-out. It might give you a concussion! (laughs)
JOHN-JOHN: Just keep your ass outta Sweethaven, and you’ll get no trouble from us.
MX: John-John, your Lady of Luck will surely abandon you and your tribe on our eminent return. But in the meantime, if you’ve any real guts, you’ll compete in my forthcoming Draco Orion Marathon, which I will win and break the all the records from the late, great planet Earth.
JOHN-JOHN: You a runner too? I’ve been running my whole life. What’s your 10,000-meter P.R?
MX: Ah…….. Ee… Uh… Ah… mmm… - I’ve not run quite that far yet.
JOHN-JOHN: (laughs casually) Yeah, well ah…sign me up for that one. I’m not really a gambler. Ah-as I take a more conservative approach to financial matters such as retirement, capx, opx, cash flow ah.. things of that nature, but you know, this sounds a little too good to pass up. How about 500,000 dragonbuckles?
MX: I’ll take that bet, and you’re gonna regret, cause I’m the fastest that’s ever been!
JOHN-JOHN: Done! Now give me that list Charlie Daniels. Listeners want to know!
PAPER NOISES IN THIS LINE
MX: You Pancake derelict! That’s my list! Give me that back you southern piece of thieving flapjack!
JOHN-JOHN: Ok, Ladies and Gents, here is the final list of the Top 10 Rock Bands of all time from the Planet Earth, as proctored by the Robotic Motor Mouth himself – Major X. At numero Uno - the Jimi Hendrix Experience. Now that’s a purty good choice.
MX: Mine of course, John-John.
JOHN-JOHN: You know he set his guitar on fire don’t ya?
MX: I told you ZeQuel…
JOHN-JOHN: AH and now Led Zepplin at numero Two-o, or is that Dos Equis I can’t remember. And then Tres Leches will be The Beatles. I like them too. Especially the White Album.
ZQ: Which album was that?
MX: It was the White one ZeQuel!
JOHN-JOHN: Your friend’s a little slow Major X.
MX: Tell me about it. I live with it every day.
JOHN-JOHN: At position Four-Tro, my favorite Spanglish number – is The Eagles, those birds. Then we have Black Sabbath occupyin’ El Cinco de Mayo or number 5. Now ah, that’s a HEAVY choice. (laugh) Get it?
ZQ: Now that’s not fair! Those are all YOUR bands Major X!
MX: It sounds like John-John is taking some sensible liberties with the ranking ZeQuel… I like it!
JOHN-JOHN: At Seice, or number 6, we have Rush. I sure did like them dudes!
MX: You knew Alex, Geddy, and Neil?
JOHN-JOHN: Sure, I did! We hunted a lot together. Then we have Van Halen at Sieta-ay or number 7 for the slow people out there. I assume that would be the original foursome and not include Van Hagar, correct?
MX: Of course, that was a given John-John.
JOHN-JOHN: Well good, I’m just makin’ sure. Now ah, Boston is ala Ocho. Ah, let me ask ya, is that the city or the band? Cause I can’t tell.
MX: I told you it was confusing ZeQuel!
ZQ: It’s a BAND list! Who else could it be besides the band!?
JOHN-JOHN: Pink Floyd at Nueve, Uh, that’s just too much synth, too much synthesizer, I think. I bet that was your pick wasn’t it ZeQuel?
ZQ: I proclaim this ranking process to be un-democratic as well as corrupt!
(PHONE DIALING TONES)
ZQ: What are you doing Major X?
MX: Oh, I’m just gonna call and try to find someone that cares ZeQuel!
JOHN-JOHN: And finally at position Cesar Diez or number ten for you ignorant monolithic listeners. Uh, what’s that chicken scratch say…? Well, it, it says Styx, but it has a line through it, and out beside that it says Deep Purple. So, which is it? I know who I would pick, and it rhymes with Deep Purple.
MX: I couldn’t find a word to rhyme with deep purple either John-John.
ZQ: This is NOT FAIR Major X!
MX: John-John – what do you think about replacing Pink Floyd. Just a thought I had.
ZQ: You can’t do that! He’s not part of our team! He’s our enemy for goodness’ sake! And a backwoods southern hick hotcake at that!
MX: Lieutenant ZeQuel, you sound like a prejudiced hypocrite!
ZQ: I plea… no… I, I demand the Eagles be removed from the list immediately!
MX: We are done here Lieutenant ZeQuel!
JOHN-JOHN: (singing) Welcome to the Hotel California…
MX: (singing) Such a lovely stay…
JOHN-JOHN: (singing) Plenty of room at the Hotel California…
MX: (singing) Any time of year…
JOHN-JOHN: (singing) You can kill a dear!
ZQ: Can I sing the first verse Major X?
MX: We’re way beyond that Lieutenant ZeQuel…!
ZQ: (Singing) On a dark desert highway, cool wind in my hair, Warm smell of colitas rising up through the air.
MX: That was horrible ZeQuel.
JOHN-JOHN: Hey ZeQuel, I’ll give ya some singing lessons…