LGPE-4: Breakfast Cereal Mayhem

EPISODE 4
It's breakfast cereal mayhem as Major X, Lieutenant ZeQuel, and Tootle Pops engage in a spirited, 'live' showdown to determine the best Earthling breakfast of all time. Amidst the comedic friction fueled by Major X's arrogance and ZeQuel's newfound assertiveness, listeners will also uncover fascinating historical details behind their beloved morning delectables. 

Transcript

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PRE-EPISODE DEBATE

MX: Alpha-bits are A-B-C-Disgusting with a capital 'K' ZeQuel!

ZQ: Disgusting doesn’t start with a 'K', Major X.

MX: I know that! But there’s a 'K' in the middle Lieutenant!

ZQ: It’s a ‘G’ Major X, not a ‘K’.

MX: Well, why don’t you spell check your breath ZeQuel, ‘cause it Stinks with a capital Stank! And did you know? Sugar Bear is a close personal friend of mine?

ZQ: You know Sugar Bear?

MX: Sure I do. We hang sometimes. We go way back.

ZQ: No offense to Sugar Bear, but Super Sugar Crisp contains a whopping 14 grams of sugar, compared to just 10 grams for Alpha-bits. And by the way did you know “Super Sugar Crisp” was actually branded as “Super Golden Crisp” when it originated in 1949?

MX: Well thanks for boring me to the edge of death Lieutenant, as if I care how much sugar is in my cereal. 

ZQ: Another alternative for the best breakfast cereal from Planet Earth would be Captain Crunch! And though I don’t personally know him, ‘Captain Horatio Magellan Crunch’ – that’s his full name is one of my favorite Cereal heroes! Did you know, the ship he so masterfully sails, bears the name ‘S.S. Guppy’? That is a Bonafide fact according to Quaker Oats.

MX: Well Sugar Bear can kick Captain Crunch’s ass!

ZQ: I doubt that very seriously - and besides - my most favorite breakfast champion is Count Chocula, and I know Sugar Bear could never defeat Count Chocula, for the Count would simply bite him and turn him a Vampire Bear and would call him Sir Baron Vlad-a-Bear.

MX: Well that’s a pretty swell name ZeQuel. I’m surprised you thought of it, but better luck next time, as Count Chocula would get diabetes from Sugar Bear and die!

ZQ: Count Chocula is already sweetened considerably Major X, and it hasn’t affected the Count since 1971, when he was born at General Mills.

MX: That’s because the Count only has 10 grams of sugar. When he bites Sugar Bear, who has 14 grams, it will more than double his total sugar, putting him into a diabetic coma, whence then, Sugar Bear will drive a stake through Chocula’s heart. And not even the great Franken Berry could save him.

ZQ: I’ll have you know Count Chocula possesses all the powers of a Vampire - rapid healing for one - and second – immortality! Not to mention super strength, magnified senses, blinding speed, and the abilities of flight, the control of animals, telepathy, telekinesis, and both night and heat vision. Not even Tony the Tiger could take Count Chocula – I’m absolutely certain!

MX: Well, that’s G-rrr-reat ZeQuel! But will not mere sunlight surely burn and devour the Count?

ZQ: Well, I, I suppose so Major X, but…

MX: Well Sunny the Sun from Raisin Bran will surely kill the Count. Then he and Sugar Bear will form the Royal Cereal Alliance and reign supreme!

ZQ: Ah, you have seriously saturated my emotional receptors, and you’re, you’re you’re ganging up on the Count with Sunny, that prune pedaling planet. It’s not fair!!!

MX: Sunny’s not a planet ZeQuel! He’s a Star! A Star that’s shining down on you and shouting – “man up dude ‘cause you lost, you big stanky loser!”.

ZQ: The Silly Rabbit from Trix will make Sunny the Sun Disappear!!! Ha, Ha!!!  I got you!

MX: That’s ludicrous. You’re dumb as a box of rocks on a Monday. Sugar Bear will punch him in his little Rabbit nose and make a good ole’ Rabbit Stew with ol’ Trixy boy, with lots of onions, carrots, shitake mushrooms, and a rich, succulent marsala wine sauce, loaded with Malabar black pepper, hints of thyme, rosemary, and finished with a few little tart sundried cherries, and ah, crispy capers.

PRODUCER: Major X, we are live now. 

MX: Ok - I’m ready! Lieutenant ZeQuel, compose yourself. We’re going live and on the air!

PRODUCER: No Major X, we’ve been live.

MX: Oh…

PRODUCER: And FYI, they heard you kill Trixy the Rabbit.

MX: They’ll get over it.

EPISODE INTRO MUSIC

MX: Greetings, sentient entities and hopefully aficionados of roasted wild game. You’ve tuned into another exciting episode of the Late, Great Planet Earth, where today, we’ll conduct a critical analysis of a phenomenon I can only describe as "Breakfast Cereal Mayhem” and I have my colleague, friend, and trusted associate ZeQuel to accompany me in this friendly debate.

ZQ: It’s Lieutenant ZeQuel, Major X.

MX: Precisely, you’re a subordinate to me. Now today, we delve into the baffling world of that Earthling morning sustenance: desiccated, artificially flavored, sugar-laden morsels of insulin-spiking crunch, marketed with an aggression that rivals military campaigns. On any given day back on the Late, Great Planet Earth, hundreds of millions of homo-sapiens would sit down to this delectable and time-efficient breakfast. And this breakfast of cereal, regardless of its variant, was one of the greatest human equalizers of all time, because no matter their rank, fortune, athletic prowess, IQ, or societal standing - all of which were certainly less than mine, they would find themselves engaged in the cacophony of obnoxious slurping while simultaneously, tearing the skin off the roof of their mouths, while devouring an entire twelve-serving box with the visceral savagery and euphoria that comes with the breaking of the night fast. I am Major X, and I am here to dissect the illogical devotion these humans had for processed grains and the disturbingly cheerful mascots that peddled them. Prepare to have your perceptions of breakfast reconfigured as we engage in the convivial discourse and ultimately judge the best cereals of all time.

ZQ: I am so excited about this topic Major X! There are so many delectable treats to pick from!

MX: Calm down ZeQuel. It’s just cereal for Pete’s sake.

ZQ: I’ll try not to go Cuckoo for my Cocoa Puffs Major X!  I think made a funny! Yes, I did, I made a funny!

MX: About as funny as a bowl of soggy Corn Flakes ZeQuel. Alright, listen up cereal fanatics, because this is where it all started. The year was 1863. The place: Upstate New York, New York, in the United States of America.

ZQ: You stated that so dramatically Major X. I can’t wait to hear what lies ahead!

MX: Why thank you Lieutenant! Now, our villain... or should I say, visionary... was quite a religious, health enthusiast named James Caleb Jackson. Abolitionist, farmer, and twisted genius behind the first cold cereal named, 'Granula'. Now, this wasn't the sugary swill you’re used to mind you. We're talking hard-baked graham flour nuggets that looked and tasted like something you'd feed to livestock. You practically needed a hammer and chisel to eat it, and this Granula required a pre-soak in milk the night before consumption, not exactly checking the convenance box specification. Now Jackson was a follower of the Sanitary Movement, which had some pretty extreme ideas about diet and health, including the ban of alcohol, tobacco, and meat. But Jackson wasn't alone in this quest for a revolutionary breakfast. Over the next few decades, other players entered the game. There was John Harvey Kellogg, a doctor with his own ideas about health, who brought us Corn Flakes. Kellogg was also a devout Seventh Day Adventist who believed that diet was key to spiritual and physical health. He advocated for vegetarianism and, uh, let's just say some unconventional ideas about other sorts of abstinence. 

ZQ: ‘Alas Major X, thy prelude doth flag in vigor. Pray tell, when shall the spark of mirth again be kindled?’ That was Shakespearian for “when do we get to the good part”!

MX: ‘Patience, good poet. 'Tis apt we first survey the ground whereon this trade doth stand. In sooth, a calmer spirit would serve thee well.’  In other words, the backgrounds important – so take a chill pill and let me do my thing ZQ! Now - let us not forget Ferdinand Schumacher a.k.a. 'The Oatmeal King', who, while perhaps less eccentric, was still driven by a powerful vision of mass-marketed breakfast convenience. These men, luminaries indeed, transformed breakfast forever with their unique beliefs and industrial ambitions. They took us from the laborious task of cooking a morning meal to sub-minute convenience of pouring flakes from a box. So, the next time you're slamming down a bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch, the best cereal of all time, remember the dark history behind the so-called 'breakfast' food.

ZQ: I thought Super Sugar Crisp was your favorite cereal?

MX: I said Sugar Bear is my close personal friend and can open a can of whoop-ass on any breakfast cereal mascot there ever was, is, or ever shall be! That is what I said ZeQuel!

ZQ: You’ve not mentioned Wendall the Chef, the great baker of Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Is he also a friend of yours?

MX: You mean Wendall the Wimp? No way said Jose.

ZQ: May I propose a democratic method for judging the best cereal of all time Major X?

MX: We’ll just handle this like we did the Best Rock Bands of all time, ZeQuel. Just give me your five choices. Then I’ll pick the top five and then I’ll rank order them. 

ZQ: That was not a democratic process. You totally controlled and manipulated the selections Major X!  It’s not fair!!!

(SEWING MACHINE SOUNDS)

ZQ: What is that noise? Is, is that a Sewing Machine Major X?

MX: Yes, it is, I’m making you a nice little crying handkerchief – you big ole emotional bot-baby! 

ZQ: With all sober intent, I suggest we let our listeners weigh in to complement our voting.

MX: Public vote? What? Are you going to bribe them? That’s cheating and besides, no one’s opinion is more important nor accurate than mine. 

ZQ: Listeners of this broadcast! Please respond to this episode with your favorite cereals immediately or Major X will have his way!

MX: Calm down before I put you down. Now in just a minute, were going to brainstorm, discuss and judge the best Earthling cereal of all time. And we’re very fortunate to have 50 of the best tasting Earthling cereals preserved in Colnago’s own Homo Sapien’s Historical Archive and Microbrewery, one of the many Earthling Museums here in the Draco Orion.  

ZQ: Will we include NanoBot Crunchies in the comparison Major X? They are the official cereal of the Draco Orion and specially formulated for Bots with special vitamins like Circulogic, NanoCharge, CoreVolt, and DataBoost just to name a few. Extremely nutritious they are.

MX: NanoBot Crunchies? Please. Those are five abyssal tiers beneath Shredded Wheat – the very epitome of Earthling inedibility. They're not just 'out', they're a planetary embarrassment ZeQuel.

ZQ: What’s wrong with Shredded Wheat? They’re very healthy with only .3 grams of Sugar, by far the lowest of the 50 cereals we’ll be discussing.

MX: You mean Shredded Hay Bale - because that’s exactly what it tastes like! When it was invented in 1893, I heard the Dinosaurs on Earth wouldn’t even eat it.

ZQ: Dinosaurs were extinct long before 1893 Major X. 

MX: What?  When did that happen???

PRODUCER: Major X, it is time for the commercial.

MX: What’s that? It’s time for a word from our sponsor and our absolute favorite breakfast cereal of all time!

NANOBOT CRUNCHIES COMMERCIAL

This episode of the Late Great Planet Earth is brought to you by NanoBot Crunchies, the Official Cereal of Major X and the Pancake Eating Robots.  Whether you’re training for a Galaxian record Marathon like Major X, or just out on holiday and painting the cosmos your favorite shade of green, NanoBot Crunches give you what you need for both exceptional performance AND a good time. Loaded with nutrients like, HybridFlex, which promotes robotic infrastructure durability and physical stress resilience to keep you purring like that bad kitty kat you really are during those intense training and competitive efforts. But that’s not all. When it’s time to relax and just have a – ‘good ole time’ - our OptiLume perception enhancer will supercharge your primary sensory perceptors including visual, audible, olfactory, gustation, tactile, luminary, equilibrium, ego, and even your goodtime-badtime perceptors to maximize and heighten your overall Robo-Fun-ometer readings. And now, NanoBot Crunchies are available in a variety of flavors including our most popular, ‘Flavorless Flavor’.  But if you’re a little far out and weird, and taste is your thing, try our new ‘Double Fudge, Triple Choco-late, Quad-Mint-Pistachio’ variety.  Or for a little Zip in your Zootie or even a Zap in your Zoodle, try our famous ‘Mama Spank Me Hard Triple X Pepper Sauce’, or even better, the new ‘Pancakes of Sweethaven’ flavor, specially formulated to emulate the taste of those sweet, but fierce and hostile Pancakes of Sweethaven.  And if none of these flavor options tickle your cybernetic taste receptors you can literally dream up your very own flavor and transmit your vision telepathically to one of our Chef’s standing by. Just use the Telepathic Encryption Trip code of 9Z-little I – Big P, hashmark, bang, bang, ampersand and we’ll start making your custom order of NanoBot Crunchies within milliseconds and they’ll be transmaterialized to you instantly at no extra cost, along with your commemorative Nano-Bot Crunchies Cereal Bin, adorned in actual Gold nuggets from the late, great planet earth.

♪ NanoBot Crunchys, the meal of your dreams, ♪

♪ NanoBot Crunchys, keep your circuits' clean! ♪

♪ Heighten sensations, tune up your core, ♪

♪ NanoBot Crunchys, you’ll always want more! ♪

♪ Crunchy Crunch Crunch, in the middle of the day, ♪

♪ Crunchy Crunch Crunch, you’ll eat them and say, ♪

♪ NanoBot Crunchys, leading the way, ♪

♪ NanoBot Crunchys, your future today ♪

END OF COMMERCIAL

MX: (hearty laugh) Nanobot Crunchies is straight up garbage. I hate it. Huh? What’s that? Oh!!! We’re back on the air, ZeQuel!

TP: Hi Ya’ll. How’s it going?

MX: What have we here? What a pleasant surprise! Our show’s favorite Pancake guest all the way from Sweethaven.  Everyone give it up, for the one, the only, Tootle Pops! 

INTRODUCTION MUSIC AND CROWD APPLAUSE

 ZQ: Well, I didn’t receive such a formidable intro or applause of gratitude like that… and, and, and this hotcake is our very enemy Major!

 MX: Well, keep your friends close and your enemies even closer ZeQuel. A little something I learned from the humans.

 TP: You know I can hear you Major X.

 MX: Oh ah… just checking your audio quality my little friend-emy.  Now where were we?

ZQ: Our next cereal - Honey Bunches of Oats. Only 6 grams of sugar, Major!

MX: You mean ah, Honey Bunch of Nothing? Are you a health nut or an athlete? Perhaps, leave the Marathoning to me ZQ!

ZQ: Have you even run 5 miles yet Major X?

TP: You want me to answer that Major X?

MX: Now that’s a low blow Tootle Pops. This is a cereal episode. Stick to the subject! Now out of this list of fifty cereals, we’re each to pick our top 5 cereals. Duplicates not allowed. Factors shall include Taste, Crunch, Texture Retention Time or TRT, Sugar Content, Mascot, and Slogan. The 6 items will yield a composite rating index that’s called the 'CLI'.

ZQ: You mean like a command line interpreter? No one uses those anymore. They’re archaic.

MX: Wrong mnemonic you moron. It’s the Cereal Likeability Index and everyone in the Draco Orion knows that.

TP: I didn’t know it.

MX: Well, you’re a Pancake, which is a significant intelligence handicap. 

TP: You do NOT want to go there, Major X!

MX: I know, you’re going to get Levi involved.

TP: That’s after I break both your thumbs, and you start crying like a little baby.

ZQ: This bickering is making me a nervous wreck!!

MX: See your counselor ZeQuel!! Now Tootle Pops, why don’t you start? What’s your first pick?

TP: My first pick is Lucky Charms! Magically delicious, and, as it happens, Lucky the Leprechaun is a distant cousin. I'm fascinated by their history too. General Mills created Lucky Charms in 1964, aiming to capitalize on their Cheerios production facilities and the sixties charm bracelet craze. They were the very first to use marshmallows in cereal. And those little 'Marbits', as they named them, became iconic charms, and eight of them have endured through the decades: the Heart for animating objects, the Star for flight, the Horseshoe for speed, the Clover for good luck, the Blue Moon for invisibility, the Unicorn for color, the Rainbow for teleportation, and the Red Balloon for floating!

MX: Well, I just asked for your first selection Tootle Pops, not a dissertation.

TP: A dissertation is typically reserved for Ph.D. level work and requires an oral defense by the way. I merely completed a thesis for my Master of Science in Cereal-ology.

ZQ: She’s pretty smart, Major X…

MX: Oh, cool it, ZeQuel. It’s not like she’s bilingual or anything.

TP:  No me hables de esa manera Major X. Al menos yo sé la diferencia entre un doctorado y una maestría.  (Don't talk to me that way, Major X. At least I know the difference between a doctorate and a master's degree.)

ZQ: She sounds bilingual to me Major X!

TP: Yah floogen booger blender! Ah! Verdie venkle! Derfen dey, el schmerkle! (Oh, you utterly ridiculous buffoon! Ha! You’ve got nothing on the Tin Man, who didn’t even have a brain!)

ZQ: Correction. She’s trilingual Major X!

MX: What in the Galax-ydian stars of the Draco Orion was that Tootle Pops?

TP: That's Ferry-Tongue, the ancient language of Sweethaven, naturally! 

MX: It sounded like horse giber.

TP: It's super secure, with its own encryption method called S.T.O.

MX: S.T.O?

TP: It stands for Sweet Tweet Obfuscation. The words always have a different meaning, and to decode them, you need a unique encryption key derived from your personal DNA.

MX: Look Tootle Pops, you show off way too much. Just pull it back a couple of notches. You’re making ZeQuel, a super AI bot, look really stupid right now.  ZeQuel, you’ve the next pick.

ZQ: As previously referenced, I’m going with Shredded Wheat – due to its extremely low sugar content of .3 grams. Not 3 grams Major X but zero point 3 grams! 

MX: Thanks for clarifying the decimal place, ZeQuel. It’s always a key consideration when I’m picking my breakfast cereal… NOT! 

ZQ: Not to mention their slogan, “Bet you can’t eat three”!

MX: But ZeQuel - Who would want to???

TP: You mean Shredded Hay Bale? No way, I would never eat those. It takes most of the day and I just don’t have kind of time in my schedule for that much chewing. 

MX: Ok it’s my turn. I’m going with Super Sugar Crisp.  It’s not my favorite cereal, but Sugar Bear is my friend, and he can kick anyone’s boo-tay, except mine of course. (singing) ‘Everybody was Kung Fu Fighting, oh! Those cats were…’ I’m also picking Cinnamon Toast Crunch; the best cereal ever made as my first choice.

ZQ: And here we go again! Major X, already orchestrating his power shenanigans! Trying to sneak two picks in the first round just like he did the Rock Band podcast. Major X, I’m adamant that you pick between Super Sugar Crisp and Cinnamon Toast Crunch. No double-dipping! Also - I thought you called, Wendall the Chef, the esteemed Chef of Cinnamon Toast Crunch, Wendall the Wimp.

TP: He did, I can testify in court of law if it goes that far!

MX: Alright, alright, ZeQuel. Maintain your internal equilibrium. I shall adhere to the single-pick parameter. However, under no circumstances is Sugar Bear to know. He can, like yourself, become a considerable hot mess emotionally, and you are well familiar with the behavioral patterns of bears... when confronted with disappointment. As for Wendall… while he is indeed a Wimp, like so many chefs we know, he was undeniably a visionary of his time. He concocted the Cinnamon Toast Crunch masterpiece in 1984 with a mere 9.4 grams of sugar per serving. Then, in 1992, he elevated it to a form of culinary art with those exquisite swirls of cinnamon and that undeniably accurate slogan – ‘the taste you can see’! And let me tell you, ZeQuel - see I do… right up until the tragic moment the box is empty. Its Texture and Texture Retention Time are also near perfection. This one will be quite challenging to surpass indeed!

ZQ: I’m surprised you picked a cereal with less than 15 grams of sugar Major X.

MX: Well, I sprinkle a half cup of sugar on all my cereal, ZeQuel. Tootle Pops, over to you. What’s your second pick?

TP: Rice Crispies for me!

ZQ: Oh, I just love Snap, Crackle and Pop! And only 3.3 grams of sugar. Zowie Tootle Pops! I see how Major X finds you pleasant at times!

TP: I chose for its ultra-cool texture that Kellogg's patented back in 1928. They shape and dry the rice to reduce the moisture content to between 5 to 15 percent and then it’s exposed to heat. This causes the rice to expand into its light, airy form. When milk is added, the rice hydrates and collapses slightly, producing that iconic Snap, Crackle, and Pop – a perfect example of onomatopoeia!

MX: Wait, they’re onomatopoeian? I thought they were American the whole time!

TP: No, no, Major X. Onomatopoeia is the formation of a word from the sound associated with what it is named, like “pop”. And your right, the Elves were born American in 1933, about 5 years after the cereal was introduced.

ZQ: Tell us about the brothers Tootle Pops! Tell us about the brothers!

TP:  Well Snap, usually pictured in a chef's toque, is the oldest one and the problem solver of the bunch.

MX: Now he’s my absolute fave! Very logical indeed.

TP: Then there’s Crackle, often in a red tomte's tuque, and is the jokester middle child. 

MX: Crackle and I just never got along. I don’t see the need for a two-syllable noise.

TP: And finally, there’s Pop, the one in the drum major's shako, who is a mischievous, clumsy youngster and the center of attention.

MX: One big show off! I mean you get Snap, then Crac---kle – both syllables right in your face, and you think you’re done, but noooo…! Pop comes along, and POP!!!

ZQ: Oooh – If I had a heart, I think it would be attacked!

MX: You’re one goofy dude ZeQuel.

TP: Oh yes, then there was Pow, who appeared briefly in the 1950s…

MX: He was quite the gun slinger I’m sure…

TP: Representing Rice Krispies' "explosive" nutrition... or so they claimed. He didn’t last long though.

MX: Assassinated by Kellogg’s top dawgs, huh?  Hmm... Well, the only way I’m eating those bland Rice Krispies is in form of a desert - and they don’t call me the Rice Krispies Square Slinger for nothing, with my absolutely amazing and delectable scrumpdili-ish Aztec Rice Krispie Squares. 

ZQ: Oh, those sound quite the yum-yum Major X! Tell us how they’re made!

MX: Yes, a little yum-yum for the dum-dum. Ok, turn off all recorders please, as my recipe is classified. Now, the Krispies are first immersed in a royal bath of melted marshmallows, fresh grass-fed butter, and a hint of maple syrup tapped straight from a 55-year-old Maple Tree. After mixing, I then smush ‘em into a lightly buttered pan and once set, I top them with a chocolate-Kentucky bourbon ganache, some ancient sea salt from the Pacific ocean, a little dollop of cinnamon infused whipped cream, and finally - a crown of red Chilian jimmies, dancing underneath a trinity of mint leaves. Right on the top to make them pop, your big mouth drop, and your bootie bop.

TP: Way too much information, Major X!

MX: Oh, I’m Sorry Tootle Pops. I, I just can’t help it sometimes.

ZQ: Those sound incredibly delish!

MX:  Ooooh!  Are you a food critic now ZeQuel? Make your second pick before I make it for you Lieutenant. 

ZQ: I'm going with Grape-Nuts. This Post classic, dating back to 1897, boasts a mere 4.4 grams of sugar and the most aggressive crunch on this entire list with an incredibly high texture retention time as well. I'm also quite fond of Euell Gibbons, the naturalist and exquisite spokesman. A true inspiration, with his "ever eat a pine tree, many parts are edible" philosophy.

MX: I hate to poke a pin in your Hubba-Bubba, ZeQuel, but ole Euell greeted his maker in 1975 at the age of 64... mere years after his pine-tree advocacy and advise. Arteriosclerosis, if you're curious.

ZQ: Oh, stars... that depresses me incredibly!

MX: Well, shake it off. Cause it’s my turn and I'm going with Frosted Flakes. Super high sugar content, naturally, at 15 grams, medium texture retention, but most importantly, that icon of feline fitness, Tony the Tiger and his absolutely magnificent and savagery pectoral muscles. I'd love to analyze his chest routine. My guess?  A holy amount of flat bench flies and an indulgent incline bench routine I suspect.

TP: Another Rabbit Trail Major X! Swerve!

ZQ: There does seem to be a pattern here, Major X. You're consistently drawn to mascots with... pronounced musculature and a propensity for violence.

MX: Of course I am! And speaking of violence, it's my turn again or ‘else’. And I'm going with Quisp! For one reason: he's the only extraterrestrial on this list. His cereal, launched in 1965, was shaped like cute little flying saucers. Plus, this little guy was a stone-cold badass flying all over the cosmos, delivering cereal to hungry little boys and girls. 

TP: I think you made that up Major X. 

MX: No, I’m quite certain. He dressed all in red and came down the earthling’s Chimneys, unless of course, the home didn’t have one, where he bypassed the motion detectors and glass breakers and smashed a window. Then he would leave boxes of Quisp and cow’s milk by the fireplace.

ZQ: I, I think he’s got Quisp confused with Santa Clause Tootle Pops. 

TP: Rat hole Major X. Course correcting to my second pick which is Froot Loops, brought to you by Kellogg's in 1963. With one of my favorite mascots - the loquacious Toucan Sam, and his incessant chant, "Follow your nose! It always knows! The flavor of fruit! Wherever it grows!". It’s one of the most colorful cereals too. It started with just red, orange, and yellow, but in the 1990s, green, purple, and blue were added. It does tend to tear up the roof of your mouth though. 

MX: Isn’t Toucan Sam a parrot Tootle Pops?

TP: No, he's a Toucan. That's why they call him Toucan Sam.

MX: But Toucans can’t talk, can they?

TP: No, but...

MX: Then he’s a parrot! A parrot with one ginormous beak. Possibly steroid abuse I suspect, or I suppose it could be Botox gone bad. Nonetheless, a marketing induced Parrot with a big ole oversized nose. Or could it be cocaine abuse?

TP: Stop the accusations Major X. The talking’s simply a voice over actor don’t you know.

MX: Toucan Sam is a voiceover actor too? Quite diversified for a parrot, I’d say. Please site other credits of his work.

TP: Never mind. ZeQuel, you're up. Let's move this thing along. I have places to go, Pancakes to see, and things to do.

ZQ: My third pick is Cheerios, founded in 1941 with only 2 grams of sugar!

MX: They’re tragically boring ZeQuel and not worth discussing. You need to up your game or you’re gonna be disqualified. Look, it’s my turn again.

TP: I have Honey Nut Cheerios on my list ZeQuel!

MX: Yo, for real, Tootle Pops? Now Honey Nut Cheerios totally slaps! That sweet, nutty flavor is straight-up fire, not to mention Buzz the Bee!  (singing) 'I want to be your King Bee baby, yeah, I want you to be my Queen, we can make Honey Nut Cheerios - this ole world ain’t never seen! Yeah, give me some Muddy Waters! Yeah! Muddy, Muddy, Yeah! That’s what I’m talking about! You know that!'

TP: Did you leave the Sambuca cabinet unlocked ZeQuel?

ZQ: Well, I don’t think so Tootle Pops!

MX:  Now, on the serious side of a penny, we’re in need of a recap to prepare for the finale of finales. Now Tootle Pops, you’ve picked Lucky Charms, Rice Krispies, Froot Loops, and most recently Honey Nut Cheerios. Now, spill the beans. What’s your 5th and final pick my sweet little confection?

TP: Well, there’s Frankenberry, Cocoa Pebbles, and Golden Grahams near the top, but I’m going to go with Sonny the Cuckoo Bird and his Cocoa Puffs. I love his frantic bouncing around screaming “Cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs”! 

MX: The guys a total whack job.

TP: Plus, they make the absolute best chocolate milk and staying crunchy longer than the others.

MX: Look… It’s texture retention time or ‘TRT’ Tootle Pops. Let’s keep our vocabulary professional on myshow, shall we? Now ladies and gents… that’s a wrap for Tootle Pops, but you’ll still need to select one of your five cereals, to go to the Championship Round. Be ready.

TP: That’s going to be easy for me.

MX: Well, Just hold your horses Tootle Pops. Don’t get ahead of me. I’m the host of the show.

TP: Geez…

MX: ZQ, it’s your turn, you’ve started off with 3 terrible cereals, Shredded Hay Bale, then Grape Nuts, the one that killed Eull Gibbons, and now Cheerios, the breakfast for simpletons. The aggregate sugar content of the three is only 6.9 grams. What do you have to say for yourself? I’m utterly disappointed and I’m sure our listeners are too.

ZQ: But I’ve saved my Bad Boy cereals for my last 2 picks, Oh I can’t believe I said Bad Boys. But I’m so excited! Ready or not! Here comes my delectable, sweet treats!  

MX: We’re waiting with absolute dread ZeQuel.

ZQ: My first choice is Captain Crunch!  Or… Oh Dear! Should I, should I choose Captain Crunch with Crunch Berries? This is so difficult! Hmm. I’m going with original Captain Horatio Magellan Crunch! 

MX: I can’t believe you voted for a guy that was a reported pirate at one time.

ZQ: Total Blasphemy Major X!

MX: Final pick or I’ll do it for you.

ZQ: Ugh. My final cereal pick is either Cookie Crisp or…

MX: Are you referring to ‘Chip the Wolf’ or ‘Chip the Dog’ Cookie Crisp…?

ZQ: Chip the Wolf stole cereal from innocent children, so I’m not choosing him.

MX: So, you’re picking the dog with the weight problem…?

ZQ: Or I could go with (eerie singing) A is for Apple, J is for Jacks, Cinnamon Toasty Apple Jacks!

MX: Well thanks for horrifying our listeners, ZeQuel. I’m sure everyone’s recharge cycle will be totally disrupted tonight 

ZQ: It’s ok, I’m really leaning toward Cracklin’ Oat Bran…

MX: If you pick anything with the name Bran in it, I’m going to Bran you from this competition.

ZQ: That was quite clever Major X!

MX: Enough of the flattery Lieutenant! Your final pick please.

ZQ: Oh! I’ve got it! I almost forgot my favorite cereal of all time! Count Chocula, the superhero that can defeat any and all cereal mascots!

MX: Well Sugar Bear would make Count Chocula his bitch.

ZQ: Please Major X! Let’s abstain from harsh profanity. We need to keep this podcast “G” rated!

MX: Well I sorry. It’s not profanity however, when I’m stating a fact. The Count would become Sugar Bear’s bitch. There’s just no getting around it. He’ll be sweeping his floors, mowing his yard, going to the grocery store, cleaning baseboards, stuff like that.

ZQ: I’m trying to deflect from your harsh words Major X, but it’s difficult. It’s your turn. Who are your two final picks? I, I bet you’re going with Raisin Bran, aren’t you? I just know it! Because if Sunny the Sun moves even a smidge closer to our planets, we’re all literally burnt toast! And I admit that kind of cosmic power is quite compelling.

MX: I’m not going with that bowl of soggy flakes! I want maximum sugar and terminal crunch!

ZQ: I suggest Raisin Bran Crunch then. It's a third less sugar and stays crunchy 76.5% longer! Plus, you get to keep Sunny as the mascot! It’s win, win, win!

MX: Lieutenant ZeQuel! That's a fantabulous idea! Truly transformational! I’ll get the delectably sweet crunch but still wield the cosmos like a boss! Once again, you prove that stupidity is not an insurmountable handicap.

TP: You boys are taking this way too serious!

MX: Tootle Pops, you should be much more appreciative of the task at hand. We’re judging a 150-year-old industry that maintained a 5-year CAGR of 4.5%. That’s ‘compound annual growth rate’ for you stupid listeners, and an enterprise value of over $87 billion dollars a year. Do you comprehend how many Dragonbuckles that is?

TP: The bigger question Major X, is whether I care. Money of any form means little in Sweethaven. We find value in the simple beauty of existence, and in the quiet rustle of the wind through the sugar kelp forests, and the laughter of our children echoing through the canyons. Our wealth is measured in shared moments, in the preservation of our planet's delicate balance, and in the deep, abiding peace that comes from living in harmony with our world. These human concepts of profit and growth are fleeting; they hold little sway in a place where true prosperity is counted in breaths of clean air and the boundless expanse of a starlit night.

ZQ: That was one of the most beautiful things I’ve ever heard. And coming from a sworn enemy. It's almost enough to make me question my allegiances.

MX: Stop sipping on her sentimental Martini ZeQuel, or your processing will devolve to that of a drunken bohemian beatnik, running on a hippie-modified Open-Source AI framework and talking like a Care Bear at a Pancake convention. Now, a monumental decision is at hand. I’ve got one last pick.

ZQ: Oh, I know, I know!

MX: It’s Wheaties! The Breakfast of Champions, just like me!

TP: Oh really? What did you win recently? Or at any time for that matter? Perhaps a refresh of your attempted conquest of Sweethaven is warranted, Major X?"

MX: I’m referring to my forthcoming obliteration of all the earthen Marathon records. 

TP: Oh, I forgot! The race you’ve never actually run, much less won.

MX: We’ll maybe it’s my coaching Tootle Pops! Have you ever thought about that?

ZQ: For the sake of our listeners, might I suggest we settle this squabble elsewhere, and crown the winner of our Best Breakfast Cereal of All Time!

MX: Very well. But first, I would like to agree on the greatest Wheaties’ box cover of all time. 

ZQ: This will be fun! Major X you go first. 

MX: It’s Serena Williams.  She was extraordinarily hot, and everyone knows she was the absolute best Wheaties box cover of all time!

TP: Oh, I don’t know about that. How could you pick her over Mary Lou Retton, the first female Athlete to dawn the box cover.

MX: Ah, Tootle Pops, while Mary Lou Retton was indeed a formidable 4' 9" dynamo – her 1984 Los Angeles Olympic performance was utterly magnificent, securing a gold medal in the individual all-around, plus four additional medals, two silvers and two bronzes, and those consecutive perfect 10s that were a truly stunning display of precise biomechanics – but she was not, technically speaking, the first female athlete to grace the Wheaties box. That distinction, my sweet little hotcake, belongs to Mildred Ella “Babe” Didrikson Zaharias. She was featured way back in 1935. Now, she was a multi-faceted specimen of pure human athletic prowess! Consider her extraordinary data: at the 1932 Olympics, she collected two gold medals in the javelin and 80-meter hurdles, and a silver in the high jump, even setting or tying world records in all three. And her sheer versatility! She wasn't just a track and field marvel; she was an All-American basketball player leading her team to two national championships, excelled in baseball, once touring with an all-male exhibition team. Her most profound and lasting impact, however, her ultimate triumph, however, was in golf, where she won a staggering 82 professional and amateur golf tournaments, including an astounding 10 LPGA Major Championships, and was a co-founder of the Ladies Professional Golf Association itself. Beyond these, she also excelled at swimming, diving, bowling, billiards, handball, and even performed in vaudeville and was a singer – imagine how developed her dorsolateral prefrontal cortex was to manage such time & task prioritization! All this, before passing away at the early age of 45. A truly vibrant, yet tragically brief, human organic being. All that said, and preparing for another layer of your complex human categorization, the first female overall to appear on the Wheaties box, preceding even Babe, was not an athlete, but an aviator: Elinor Smith, who was featured in 1934. Now this "Flying Flapper," as some called her, was a record-setting pilot, who at only 17, famously flew her plane under all four bridges spanning New York City's East River, a feat never repeated. She also became the youngest person to earn a transport pilot's license and was voted "Best Female Pilot" by her peers. So, you see, Tootle Pops, the humans were quite varied in their definitions of "champions" on their cereal containers, embracing both athletic and adventurous spirit, much like mine, Major X.

ZQ: Then there’s Bruce Jenner, the 1976 Decathlon Gold Medalist and iconic Wheaties cover!

MX: ZeQuel (cough), sorry, I think you are referring to the latter, Caitlyn Maire Jenner?

ZQ:  What? I’m so confused.

MX: (somber) ZeQuel…

ZQ: (epiphany) Ooohhh… Well then there’s Michael Jordon, who jumped on the box a record 18 times! I’m so punny today!

MX: Muhammad Ali is a much better pick. One punch to Jordon’s face, and the only dunk you would witness would be the sound of him hitting the floor. Plus, there’s Walter Payton, Mr. Sweetness himself, that I am extremely partial to.

TP: What about Dale Earnhardt, the NASCAR driver?

MX: You mean that sport, where they drive in little circles until they run out of fuel? That’s cute. Look, we’ll finish this debate in an upcoming episode, and we’ll name it “From Cereal Box to Cookie Jar”, where we will fully enrich ourselves on the Wheaties rich and deep box cover history, and more importantly, we’ll learn how to make my fantabulous, scrumpdilli-ish Wheatie Cookies!

ZQ: Those sound quite the yummy, but aren’t we going to pick the Champion of the 15 semi-finalist cereals?

OUTRO MUSIC BEGINS

MX: Oh! Oh yes, you mean, Cinnamon Toast Crunch, correct, my top pick and overall winner!

ZQ: Of course not! I’m referring to my top pick, the prestigious Captain Horatio Magellan Crunch! 

TP: Nope! Sorry, it’s Froot Loops boys. Given the colors, the slogan, the mascot, the texture retention rate, and the fruity flavors, it’s the whole deal pickle!

MX: We can’t have a parrot, especially one on steroids, as champion Tootle Pops!

TP: (moan) He’s a Toucan Major X, a Toucan!

MX: Well, I’m going to call Sugar Bear. We’re going to settle this now!

ZQ: We’ll I’ll call my friend Count Chocula!

MX: You don’t know Count Chocula, ZeQuel!

TP: Oh brother!

MX: What? You have a brother? What is his name?

TP: Never mind Major X…

END OF EPISODE