S1-E5: The Invasion of Sweethaven - Return to Colnago

EPISODE 5

SCENE 21: RETURN TO COLNAGO
Major X returns to headquarters in Colnago to debrief on the failed Mission with Dr. Jacksu, with a little surprise.

SCENE 22: EPILOGUE AND INTERVIEWS
Tom the Narrator nightcaps the show and conducts an interesting interview with some of the cast including Major X, Malthor, and more...

ABOUT THE PANCAKE EATING ROBOTS
Concepted, Written, and Produced by Mark Searcy Middleton, 2024
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Complete list of Program Credits

SOCIAL LINKS
pancakeeatingrobots.com
facebook.com/thepancakeeatingrobots

AUTHOR LINKS
marksearcy.com
facebook.com/marksearcymusic
instagram.com/marksearcymusic

Chapters

• 0:00 21: Return to Colnago
• 9:59 22: Epilogue and Interviews

Transcript

EPISODE 5

SCENE 21: RETURN TO COLNAGO

NARRATOR
“Welcome to Episode 5 of the Invasion of Sweethaven. After being driven from Sweethaven, Major X and the Robots have traveled back to Colnago to debrief on the mission with Dr. Jacksu in his headquarters.”

DR. JACKSU
“Atticus, bring me a Ding Dong and a diet Coke please.”

ATTICUS
“Yes sir, Dr. Jacksu. Would you like me to replace the crème filling in the Ding Dong with some freshly whipped Peanut Butter & Expresso creme, garnish with fresh mint and sea salt, and serve the diet coke with cherry infused ice cubes?”

DR. JACKSU
“What? No thank you. Just a plain Ding Dong please.”

ATTICUS
“Or - I could peel the chocolate covering off the Ding Dong, re-dip the cake in a homemade French vanilla and almond laced fondue, and pair with a vintage bottle of 1978 Orange Crush soda. It’s absolutely yummy!”

DR. JACKSU
“We have vintage Orange Crush?”

ATTICUS
“Yes, it’s in the Vintage Soda Cellar right by the 1995 Slice.”

DR. JACKSU
“I can’t believe it all survived World War III. Are you sure it’s not radioactive?”

ATTICUS
“No, the radioescent glow has worn off, so I think it’s fine. May I ask what you are listening to?”

DR. JACKSU
“Black Sabbath’s first album.”

ATTICUS
“Oh, I love ‘War Pigs’. It pairs so well with a lamb-based Sheppard’s Pie, which metaphorically represents the pawns in War Pigs, I think.”

DR. JACKSU
“War Pig’s is from the Paranoid album. This particular album is ‘Black Sabbath’. It’s self-titled.”

ATTICUS
“Impressive! So, Ozzy let you title it? I didn’t know you knew the chap. Where did you come up with the name of ‘Paranoid’?”

DR. JACKSU
“No, Atticus. It’s not called ‘Paranoid’, it’s called ‘Black Sabbath’.”

ATTICUS
“So you named the album after the band? Interesting. I guess Ozzy must have liked it.”

DR. JACKSU
“I didn’t name the album Atticus! Could you please just bring me the Ding Dong and a Diet Coke.”

ATTICUS
“I also really like Led Zappa and Taylor Swifty.”

DR. JACKSU
“It’s Led Zeppelin, not Zappa. You’re thinking of Frank Zappa.  And it’s Taylor Swift, not Swifty!”

ATTICUS
“Oh, I thought Taylor Swift was a receiver for the Kansas City Chiefs? Or maybe she’s their owner, I’m not really sure.”

DR. JACKSU
“OK, I’m done talking about music. Where is Major X?  He’s late. Our meeting was scheduled at 22:22”

(Major X arrives)

MAJOR X
“Dr. Jacksu, I’m so sorry we’re late, we thought the meeting was at 22:30?”

DR. JACKSU
“Oh sure, just round to the closest half hour for your convenience. I could have taken over a planet in the last 8 minutes.”

ATTICUS
“Major X, could I get you a glass of our 2015 Big Red Soda, and a deep-fried Twinkie adorned with goat cheese and a Sicilian Chocolate sauce, laced with a little Cayenne Pepper? It’s absolutely scrumptious!”

MAJOR X
“Sicilian Chocolate and Goat Cheese! That sounds really good Atticus, but ah, do you have any Jiffy Pop?  I really need some.”

ATTICUS
“Vintage Jiffy Pop?! We certainly do. I would be happy to caramelize with some fresh bourbon butterscotch, and a hint of nutmeg, and sea salt from old Atlantic Ocean. It’s quite delectable if I should say so myself.”

DR. JACKSU
“Enough - enough Atticus - Major X didn’t come here to eat. Get my Ding Dong and my Diet Coke.”

MAJOR X
“Hey, I thought I heard some Black Sabbath. I love their debut album, Volume 4. War Pigs is my absolute favorite. (sings) Generals gathered in their Masses. (talks) I always thought of myself as one of those generals.”

DR. JACKSU
“War Pigs is from the Paranoid album Major X, and Volume 4 is not their debut album you idiot. It was their 4th album, that’s why they call it Volume 4. Buh!”

MAJOR X
“Oh. So that’s how that works, huh.”

DR. JACKSU
“SO Major X!  Tell me about how you blew this mission - and got your titanium butt kicked by a bunch of Pancakes. No, no-no. Wait. More importantly, tell me how come - when I send you on a simple mission - to bring back 5 kilos of Scarcium-23 – in an oasis of sweet little Pancakes – you embarrass us, loose over 1,500 Standards, and apologize like a teeny-weeny baby to the little Flapjacks. Do you know what this means?  We can’t even begin the conquest of Draco Orion, thanks to you.”

JULEP
“Dr. Jacksu – don’t be so sure about that.”

DR. JACKSU
“What – what are you up to?  Am I speaking to you? Because if I am, I’ve certainly forgotten it.”

JULEP
“I am your future Dr. Jacksu. My name is ‘Julep’, and this is my friend, ‘Tomorrow’.”

“While this incompetent ‘Team’ of yours was getting demolished in the forest by a bunch of Flapjacks, we managed to find the real Scarcium-23 deposits, and harvest a kilo, which we will be glad to share with you for a reasonable price and a piece of the future.”

CASSANDRA
“I just want to say, I saw this coming! I knew they were bad news. After you massacred and ate that one poor Cake in the Sleepy Chestnut Forest, you disappear without a trace to find the real Scarcium deposits, all while we are humiliated by a bunch of breakfast confections in the woods.”

MAJOR X
“You ate one of the Pancakes? While he might be our very enemy, Levi is going to lose his utter mind when he finds out.  If he would have known this, we surely wouldn’t have made it out of Sweethaven alive. I’ve a mind to dismantle you right here Julep.” 

JULEP
“You’re a bit dated to be talking like that old timer. After all - you’re of the same makeup of those inept ‘Standards’, with just a few updates that this ancient, ‘Yoda want-to-be’ old man duct taped together.  Am I not right Jacksu?”

MAJOR X
“What’s is this pathetic human referring to Dr. Jacksu? Was I once a Standard?”

DR. JACKSU
“It’s total Bull-Malarky Major X.”
“And ’Julep’ it is?  and your friend ‘Tomorrow’? Did I get this right?”

JULEP
“Oh, you are just as smart as they say!”

DR. JACKSU
“A kilo is just a small percent of what I need to complete my conquest.”

JULEP
“Let’s not get piggy so early and lose sight of the ultimate goal. You’ve only got 6 of these pathetic Gen-1 Self-Aware Prototypes.”

TOMORROW
“With one that’s so full of bugs, he defected from his maker!”

JULEP
“We’ve done the math. With just a kilo, we could make a thousand, brand new, Super AI, Self-Aware bots.”

TOMORROW
“And not upgrades like these old relics.”

CASSANDRA
“You’re talking like we’re not in the room.”

MAJOR X
“Now that’s just pretty darn rude Tomorrow. You humans don’t seem to have any manors about you.”

JULEP
“My plan would allow us to return to Sweethaven, destroy the Pancakes, and excavate ALL the remaining Scarcium-23.” 

TOMORROW
“And Dr. Jacksu, there’s at least 50 kilos of this Scarcium stuff back on Sweethaven, in Cavern Z, that’s what we’ve named it anyway, which is 10 times your initial target. That, Dr. Jacksu, would yield at least 50,000 Self-Aware Bots, making the takeover of Draco Orion an absolute snap.”

JULEP
“A piece of cake, you might say.”

TOMORROW
“Duck soup!”

JULEP
“A walk in the park!”

TOMORROW
“Oh – child’s play!”

JULEP
“How about Easy as Pie?”

MAJOR X
“Ooh – I’ve got one! Quick as Jiffy Pop!

DR. JACKSU
“Shut it Major X!, Shut it Major X!”

JULEP
“And all you have to do is make Tomorrow and I a generous donation for the first kilo…”

TOMORROW
“We were thinking… 10 million Dragonbuckles.”

JULEP
“And-a… 50% partners across all revenue sources within the Draco Orion.”

DR. JACKSU
“10 million Dragonbuckles huh?  You’ve quite an avaricious appetite.”

JULEP
“Impressive vocabulary old man!”

DR. JACKSU
“First Julep, your manors are quite atrocious, even for a human remnant.”

“Second, I’ve been expecting you. It seems you were quite sloppy, when you hacked into ‘Samantha’, our intelligence and robotic guidance system. You left quite a trail of digital forensics. You see - without ‘Samantha’, you would have certainly never known about the Scarcium-23, much less the whereabouts of the enchanted Kingdom of Sweethaven.  But then using the same UID with non-encrypted GPS coordinates, to hijack a whole platoon of Standards, you uniquely incriminated yourself.”

JULEP
“The bottom line is we still have a kilo of Scarcium, Jacksu.”

DR. JACKSU
“Correction Julep. You have a kilo of MY Scarcium. Your best outcome is to take my generous offer of 500,000 Dragonbuckles, and a combined 10% of the Draco Orion future earnings.”

JULEP
“My question for you is this, Dr. Jacksu. If you know Tomorrow and I didn’t come by the Scarcium with our own adeptness, why offer us anything at all?  Why not just haul us down to your dungeon or whatever primitive form of punishment and retribution a traitor would receive?”

DR. JACKSU
“Well Julep, first of all - I like your salty attitude and crooked mind, though your skills need some polishing. I need more devious human thinking like that to take over the Orion, especially while these Self-Aware Bots are fully developing.”

“Secondly Julep… I am your Father…”

SCENE 22: EPILOGUE AND INTERVIEWS

NARRATOR
“Thank you for listening to this reality series: ‘The Pancake Eating Robots – Invasion of Sweethaven.’  My name is Tom Hansley, and we’re backset at the Maple Creek Tavern relaxing with a few of the show regulars. Now being the first reality series to capture real life experiences with both Pancakes and Robots, we’re giving you, the listener, a chance to really get to know some of them.  So, congratulations on a successful first season and thank you all for being here with me today. Now Major, let’s get started with you.”

MAJOR X
“My name is Major X – it’s not Major, it’s not X – it’s Major X.”

NARRATOR
“Well, Ok then Major X. One of the things your listeners and fans want to know.  What is your obsession with Jiffy Pop, and did you ever finally get to try it?”

MAJOR X
“Man, I don’t know, it was just from the time Malthor mentioned it back on Episode 1 I think it was. You know - the efficiency of having this self-contained, but at the same time, complex snack – you know… the oil, the seasoning, the popcorn – I could go on and on, but you know – it’s just one of those things I mean. Not to mention the Butter flavor and crunch, and then finally there’s the gratification of poking the aluminum foil open when it’s done and watching the popcorn kind-a, jump out at you. I mean it’s viscerally exciting, to me, you know.  It’s, it’s, it’s like opening the first Christmas present of the season. That’s essentially what this is all about.

NARRATOR
“Oh, I get it, Major X – how many times have you tried Jiffy Pop?”

MAJOR X
“Well, I was eating it every day during the recording of the season, then it turned into twice a day, and then – well – at some point, I knew I had a real problem.”

CASSANDRA
“And we knew we had to intervene.”

NARRATOR
“So Cassandra, so you knew it was problem?”

CASSANDRA
“Oh yeah, it was really bad.”

CANNOLI
“We knew he had a big problem. Four or five times a day, you could just hear the Pop. You know ‘Pop. Pop-pop. Pop-pop-Pop.  Pop-pa-Pop-pa-Pop. Popity Pop-pop. Pop.”

MASCARPONE
“Oh yes, and you could just smell the Butter on him.  I mean, as a Pancake, well, ah, particularly a Buttermilk, I’m used to lots of Butter. But you know, Major X – Major X was just at a different level on the ‘Butter-ometer’, if there is even such a thing.”

MAJOR X
“Ya’ll are making me sound like an addict.”

NARRATOR
“It’s OK Major. You’re better now, is that right?”

MAJOR X
“It’s Major X, Tom.”

CASSANDRA
“Oh, he’s SO much better after the rehab.”

NARRATOR
“And Mascarpone – you know –you’re likely the most interesting of this whole cast.”

MAGICA
(cough and mutter) “I foretold she would garner all the attention.”

NARRATOR
“First you’re a prestigious Buttermilk and all. But then you have your Father, a man of unprecedented power and reputation, I should add, as part of your life.  You’re kidnapped by these Bots, which I’m sure was a horrifying experience in itself, but then rescued by Malthor here, a defected Robot, with such a kind heart, or would you say algorithm? Heck, I’m not even sure, I don’t even know.  And if that’s not enough – the two of you fall in love and marry, in what becomes the very first union between a Pancake and a Robot, to my knowledge anyway.  And finally, the pipes you have girl! That Black Veil song just melted me.”

MASCARPONE
“Oh Well, that’s very kind of you to say, but my whole life, I’ve been used to the attention. You know I started performing on stage at such a young age. In fact, I think my very first time on stage was right here at this ol’ Maple Creek Tavern. Daddy brought me down here and put me on stage with him. I was so young.”

NARRATOR
“So, Cannoli, do her music abilities come from you?”

CANNOLI
“Let’s just say a hot cake doesn’t fall far from its griddle.”

NARRATOR
“I should say not! I understand you were recently awarded 2nd place at the prestigious Royal Guitarmageddon shoot-out? Is that true?”

CANNOLI
“Look Tom – I won Guitarmageddon two consecutive years in a row. I think that speaks for itself!”

MAGICA
“But Lord Stratmore didn’t participate in either one of those did he Cannoli?”

CANNOLI
“Well, Magica – Thank you for reminding me, Sweetheart.”

MASCARPONE
“Magica, why are you always so down on my Father and I?”

CANNOLI
“She’s jealous. She’s jealous of you. She’s jealous of me. She’s jealous of your beauty and fame. And she’s jealous of my power.”

MAGICA
“Hmm, I assure you I’m not jealous of either of you!”

MASCARPONE
“Then what is it Magica? Let’s get this figured out right now!”

MAGICA
“Oh, you want to rumble in the jungle? Let’s step outside.”

MASCARPONE
“Well let’s go, let’s go – you first, I’m right behind you!”

MAGICA
“Gladly”

(door opens and closes)

MAGICA
(door knock) “Hey, let me back in.”
(door knock) “Let me back in you Waffle looking Buttermilk.”

MASCARPONE
“That girl is so racist.”

NARRATOR
“Malthor – jump in here next. Now, you seem to be so authentic, and down to earth, even though earth’s technically a baron wasteland now (laugh). And of all the Robots, you seem to be the warmest and most caring, but I understand you really don’t believe that this whole Super AI, Self-Awareness movement started by Doctor Jacksu, is a good thing. Is that correct?”

MALTHOR
“No, I wouldn’t go that far.  With the destruction of the earth and 98+% of the human race, there has to be something to replace that human intelligence factor, and their spirit too if you know what I mean, or the whole galaxy is just going to run on algorithmic programming, by just a very few hidden behind a curtain, so to speak. Even today, nearly all music is created and performed by AI. Think about that. Music, arts, manufacturing, transportation - Humans aren’t really needed for that much anymore.  So, while I think the technical aspects hold promise of completely replacing Humans in the future, we are in the very early stages of adoption.”

MAJOR X
“Let me add a little color here Malthor.”

MALTHOR
“No. Let me finish Major.”

MAJOR X
“It’s Major X!”

MALTHOR
“I need to make two points. First, if the technology is in the hands of the wrong person, it’s not a good thing, and I think that’s what we have with Dr. Jacksu here. Second and most importantly, there has to be enough time pass for the self-actualization process, to fully bake and make the Bots completely independent from their creator. In other words, I’m talking about enough self-learning or actualization, that the Bots are fully independent from their maker in judgement, in emotions, and beliefs, and that they have full autonomy from their maker. And I assure you, this process takes time. So, we really need trustworthy ownership and some governance of the AI Standards.”

MAJOR X
“Amen Brother, Amen. I couldn’t have said it better, Malthor.”

MALTHOR
“Thank you Major.”

MAJOR X
“It’s Major X!”

CASSANDRA
“Malthor, I know you defected, and you did what you had to do, but I agree with you 100%. The emotional lexicons Dr. Jacksu developed are a good starting foundation, but good ol’ Father Time is required for us to absorb and adopt them. I also honestly believe – though you somehow overcame and beat it – Jacksu has hard coded parameters in his algorithms, that will not allow the average Self-Aware bot to defect from its maker. I totally believe that, and I’m very concerned, because I think his proposed Moxy-Robocon SAI-7 framework, will become the Inter-Galaxian AI standard.”

MALTHOR
“Truthfully, I really don’t know how I was able to defect. Who knows? It could just be a programming bug ya know. Maybe there’s some open ended ‘nested sub-routine’ or - ‘if-then-else’ clause that’s not closed.

NARRATOR
“OK – You guys are a bit over my head and we’re nearly out of time.”

MAJOR X
“Remember Tom, you are just human.”

CASSANDRA
“You better not let Jacksu hear you say that.”

MAJOR X
“I’m not scared of Dr. Jacksu.”

NARRATOR
"We're out of time Major."

MAJOR X
“It’s Major X dammit!”

NARRATOR
“So, there you have it. My name is Tom Hansley, and this concludes Season 1 of the Pancake Eating Robots entitled, ‘The Invasion of Sweethaven’.  The Pancake Eating Robots are created, written, and produced by Mark Searcy Middleton. A portion of the proceeds from this series, will go to the Milky Way fund, a non-profit program established to developing affordable and survivable living alternatives within the Milky Way Galaxy, very similar to the accommodating lifestyles of the Draco Orion, of course. Stay tuned for Season 2 which is scheduled to be released no later than the year 2153, and the ‘The Late Great Planet Earth which will feature Major X and his guests covering topics such as Music, Sports, History, and all kinds of topics about the late, great planet Earth. This series may be found on all fine Podcasting Platforms within the Draco Orion.  For more information visit pancakeeatingrobots.com, as well as marksearcy.com."

“Thank you for listening.”